Kemisetso was my home. She was truly a friend for my soul; she was the space I craved when the rest of the world was too claustrophobic. Two weeks ago, I risked it all and asked her if I could return home. I didn’t put it in those exact words; I wish I had enough courage to. In between seeing Kemi on campus and around the streets of our neighbourhood, I had not been able to find the courage within to let her know how much I had been achingly missing her. When we got news that my brother had been arrested, other than wanting to tear down walls and rip my heart out my chest, I also wanted to have Kemi’s weight on top of me, maybe if she had laid her head on my chest and listened to my heartbeat the way she always used to, perhaps then my heart would have had somewhere to go for comfort. All she did during that time was text me to say that she had heard and that she’s sorry for my pain; what did I expect her to do? Drop everything and attend to an ex that abandoned her? The guilt and shame I felt for leaving her the way I did were fortunately not great enough to conquer the desperation I had to hold her in my arms again. The more I ignored the ache of feeling empty without Kemi, the worse it got.
It wasn’t enough that my chest was sinking into my stomach from all the anxiety I felt about sitting across from the love of my life for the first time in years. The cozy bar we were at made it worse with its somber playlist. Sonder’s ‘Care’ had been my break-up song all those years back; it was the song that anchored my hopes after I called it off. I knew I had made Kemi feel like I did not care for her by walking away, but caring for her is the one thing that comes naturally to me. And this song by Sonder was the only way I could sit between the feelings of disappointment with myself and the feelings of much-needed freedom and relief from our relationship. I used to sing it to constantly remind myself that I really did care for her, despite what the breakup suggested.
I wanted to go see a therapist, Aus Lerato had been suggesting it for some years, and though I still haven’t mastered the courage to go yet, I also spent the time we had away from each other healing from the empathy burnout I had been experiencing and many other things in between.’Empathy burnout’ was a term I learned from a TikTok sent to me by one of the girls I saw after Kemi. I couldn’t understand it then, how I loved her so much while simultaneously wanting to get a much-needed break from her. How would I explain what I was dealing with internally to her when I did not know how to understand it, or even how to make space to feel it at all?
Before this moment, I had reminded myself of how sweet Kemi’s voice sounds when she’s choosing to be gentle with me in conversation. I had prayed to God for another chance to hear her sing me a lullaby to put me to sleep. I fantasised about our Saturday morning routines that were different now and again, but never lacked brown porridge – a breakfast dish we both enjoyed for its warmth and nostalgia. I wanted to hear her laugh at my nonsensical jokes again. I wanted to have, again, the Kemi who looked at me like I was her world. I wanted to have that fuzzy feeling I had when I heard her say she loves me as many times as she did in one day. I wanted to sit in the same room again, watching TikToks on two different devices, but still feeling so connected. I wanted to hold eye contact with her as intensely as I used to and let her see me bare. I had a million thoughts racing through my head leading up to this moment. And here she was, my angel, sitting across from me again.
Kemisetso [taking a seat across from Sechaba]: Hi Sechaba,
How are you?
Isn’t this the song you used to love sleeping to?
Sechaba [internally: no, it’s the song I used to cry to when i lost you]: Hi Kemi, you look beautiful.
Kemisetso: Thanks. To what do I owe the pleasure of this invite? And, is it not a little too late to be meeting so far from home?
[Song Change in the background ~ Now playing: Khamari’s ‘I love Lucy’]
Sechaba: It’s like God himself has written this night into being and he’s helping me communicate through the playlist.. Whoever is on the Aux was really sent to me by an Angel man..
Kemisetso: Sechaba what are you talking about?
Sechaba: Should we get you a glass of chardonay?
Kemisetso: No, I actually prefer a sauvignon blanc to chardonay now.
Sechaba: Okay, let’s get you a glass of sauvignon blanc then. How has Mme been doing?
Kemisetso: You live 2 streets away, if you really wanted to speak to Mme you would have asked her yourself. But let me be nice & indulge you, Mme is doing much better, she walks herself to the Mall now.
Sechaba: I need to buy a car so I can take her to the mall whenever she needs to go, Mme Motaung can’t be walking such a distance when she has a son.
Kemisetso: A son? You haven’t visited Mme in ages. Anyway, Thando and I sometimes take her wherever she wants to go on weekends, when he can avail himself.
Sechaba: You’re letting him replace me in Mme’s heart?
Kemisetso: You let him.
[silence]
He’s also been teaching me some portuguese and this moment is what we call estranho in portuguese, awkward!
And WHY are you staring into my soul like that?
Sechaba: Did you hear what Khamari said at the start of this song, “I hate to see you sitting shortgun in someone else’s car”.
Kemisetso [interjecting]: Tough for you cause he’s my boyfriend and I’ve been in his car many times.
Sechaba: Yes, and you still came here to meet with me.
Kemisetso: Did you bring me here to try and prove some kind of weird point?
I had seen Kemi and Thando around a few times but I did not think he had any capabilities to turn my best friend against me. Speaking to Kemi has always felt like my soft landing, even when we would argue, I knew her heart was always open to mine. It seems I had underestimated the fella.
Sechaba: I brought you here to let you know that I want you back.
[Okay, That wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined it would be.]
[Song Change in the background ~ Now playing: Venna’s ‘My Way’]
Kemisetso: And what, I’m supposed to drop everything because you have suddenly had a change of heart? Sechaba I begged you not to leave me. I begged you hard and you still ignored my calls, ignored my texts. And now you want to upend my life on a random Tuesday night at a cozy bar? Be for real.
Sechaba: Kay, I’m sorry.
Kemisetso: Please don’t call me that, not like this. What are you sorry for Sechaba? For breaking off something that was holding my sanity together? For taking my best friend away from me? For not communicating the reasons? For your betrayal?
Sechaba: But Kemi that’s the problem. It’s always about you. What you want, what you need, how you felt, how I’m supposed to consider you, meet your needs, put you first. What about me?
I can’t reach for her fast enough, this table is an obstruction to how I want to leap over to hold her. As she reaches for water and a serviette to dry her falling tears, it’s the sharp pain that has attacked my chest that holds me in freeze state. I struggle to move and when the world resumes spinning again after seconds of standing still, I reach out to hold her hand, soothing both her and me as I gently rub my thumb on hers. I’m not so sure what to do anymore, we’re finally having this conversation and everyone who’s advised me about this moment said I should be honest and truly express my feelings to her but why does expressing my feelings always bring out such uncontrollable reactions out of people?
Sechaba: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.
[Song Change in the background ~ Now playing: Khamari’s ‘These Four Walls’]
Kemisetso: No, you.. you don’t need to apologise. You’re right, everything has always been about me lowkey. I also started to hate myself for it, it just hurts to hear you finally admit it. So, what? did you just get tired or was the resentment building up from all those years back? Why didn’t you say anything?
Sechaba: I wanted to, I just did not know what to say or how to say it.
Kemisetso: I guess I’m sorry too. I’m really sorry Sechaba, I’ve never wished for you to ever feel like you were alone. You know that I tried my best to help you carry your burdens as well. I’m sorry I did not try hard enough.. This is all a lot for me, I need to step away for a moment.
Sechaba: I can take you home, it’s the least I can do after I couldn’t fetch you.. Please don’t resent me Kemi, I’m still here.. waiting for you to open your heart for me again….
Muse Journal 
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